I’ve come a long way in the last year or so (some might think it’s in the wrong direction, but that’s debatable) in regards to preparation for playing a show.  Back in the days when I took voice lessons, I would be very strict about how I get ready to perform.  I would have a specific vocal warm up routine, I would refrain from drinking anything caffeinated or alcoholic, I wouldn’t have any dairy, I would go easy on the carbs, and I would basically build myself up into nervousness.  With all the pressure of having to make everything right and believing that all the elements had to be in place for me to sing on key, I could not be able to relax.

This was nonsense!  Relaxation is a very important part, if not the most important part, of singing.  A singer who is uptight is more likely to forget lyrics, hit bad notes, sing without conviction, and bore the audience.  

Recently I’ve tried another approach: having a good time (“We’re just to guys and we’re having a good time, having a good time, having a good time”).  I will still pay a bit of attention to what I eat and drink before a performance, but I don’t worry about it.  For example, I don’t drink a big milkshake before a show (that’s just playing with fire… a dairy overload causes phlegminess), but sometimes I’ll have a beer before I sing (it’s relaxing and enjoyable).  I still warm up my voice sometimes, but the main difference is in the mindset.  I look forward to the show.  I don’t worry about all the little details.  One time I even played without a set list… and you know what… it was fine.  I knew what songs to play.  When I just relax on stage, my performance seems more natural and the audience picks up on that.

Last night I played a show at the Live Music Wednesdays (which I host) and I came across something else that tampered with my relaxation.  When the show started there was almost no one in the audience.  This was very discouraging and I know that my downcast-spirit had an effect on my performance.  It makes sense - singing is a very emotional experience, so when my emotions are lost somewhere else, I can’t pour my whole being into the song.  But after a while, people started showing up.  For the last two thirds of the show, the coffee shop was almost packed.  And I really noticed the difference in how I performed.  With this new energetic crowd, I became more energetic and broke out of my shell to expose who I really am as a singer.  It was quite interesting.

So to all performers out there, my lesson to you is to be aware of your emotions as you perform.  If you are worried or discouraged, this will come out in your performance.  Try to understand where your emotions are coming from and decide if there is something you can do to change them.

I hadn’t tweeted in a while, so I signed into my Twitter and wrote down one of the first things that came to mind: “Opportunity is my bride”.

Does this mean anything to you or is it just some nonsense?

I’ve been thinking a lot about opportunity these days.  I remember being a young teenager (writing and recording such hit songs as “Typcial Geek” and “He Snapped”… come over sometime if you want to hear those hilarious demos).  I would dream of some record executive finding me somehow and turning me into a rock star.  Somehow, I thought, opportunity would find me.  I would read bios and watch spotlight episodes on Much Music and keep hearing the artists say how they were just at the right place at the right time.  They basically lucked out and caught a big break.

The part that dreamers might not realize is that in order to be in the right place at the right time, you have to get yourself out there.  No A&R guy is going to come to your house to listen to your band practice in you mom’s garage.  No, you have to be playing shows, doing competitions, getting album reviews, getting on college radio and small live TV shows and internet shows.  The more you do the greater the chance people will take notice.

Very few opportunities are going to come my way.  I have to go find them.  This is why I am willing to try anything such as busking and auditioning for a musical (can anyone teach me a couple songs for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?), while also booking gigs and making new web contacts with various people in the industry.

I feel like I’m almost beating a dead horse… I keep writing about working hard to make something happen… but it is very important.

Opportunity is my bride.

Moving sucks!  I just spent the last couple days moving all of my stuff from one apartment to another one (only five blocks away).  I didn’t plan it very well because I knew I had to move during the middle of the week, which meant that not many people were available to help.  I thought I could pretty much do it alone.  I started by taking a small load of stuff on the bus, which wasn’t great because there was standing room only.  Then I borrowed a mini van from my friends, the Copland family, and moved my bed frame, mattress, and box-spring all by myself.  This tired me out pretty good and by this time it was getting into the evening.  So I gave in and called some friends.  One friend helped with one load and another friend helped with a second load.  It’s amazing how much faster and more efficient it is to work with people.

This all made me think of how artists often try to go at it alone.  Like a lone ranger.  My friend Adam used to say that he wanted to be the marlboro man.  There’s something cool about having no partners and working alone.  I’m not sure if it’s the mystery or the pride of taking all the credit.  But I’ve been learning that I need all the help I can get.  I need musicians to play with me.  I need producers to help me record.  I need people to help promote my music.  I need people to encourage me and challenge me.  And I even need people to just like my music - people who will come to my shows.  Maybe instead of being the lone ranger, I’ll try the polar opposite and get as many people involved as possible.  Have you been doing it all alone?  Let’s work together.

I love traveling.  I really enjoy experiencing a taste of other cultures.  Seeing the sights, eating the food, meeting the people… I can’t get enough of it.  So please don’t get me wrong when you read this post.

People should start doing more local adventures.  It is strange that I have a hard time spending $30 to go to a concert, $10-$20 to go to a museum or gallery or aquarium or something of that nature, $100 to go skiing, and so on, when I will spend thousands of dollars going on a trip.  I happen to live in one of the most diverse cities in the world: Vancouver.  It has mountains, forests, rivers, lakes, parks, the ocean, and all kinds of more tourism.  And I rarely take advantage of it.

Yesterday I went on a local adventure.  A friend from out of town and one of her friends, who I didn’t know very well, came to visit.  We didn’t plan too much, but we decided to meet at Stanley Park around 11:30am (but we all missed a bus transfer, so we were a little bit late).  When I got to Stanley Park, I instantly realized that I had been missing out on something.  I had taken my city for granted.  This park is absolutely beautiful and I had only been there twice before.

We wandered around for a while, enjoying the trees and the flowers and the Spring weather.  We played Frisbee on a field.  Then we went to the aquarium.  I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I actually had a fantastic time.  We looked at all the tanks and saw a number of shows with dolphins, beluga whales, and birds of prey.  After seeing all that the aquarium had to offer, we were getting pretty hungry, so we took a short walk to English Bay for a late lunch/early dinner at The Boat House.  It was a lovely meal of fresh fish and local beer, while overlooking the ocean and feeling the warm sun on our faces.  We then enjoyed a few minutes on the beach before heading home.

In total, I spent just under $50, which isn’t much compared to traveling.  And I had just as much fun as I would in a foreign country (it helped that I had some great company).  All of this is to say that I don’t discourage travel by any means, but I especially encourage getting out there and experiencing your own city.  It probably has more to offer than you realize.

Something was off last night.  I’m not sure if it was the alignment of the stars, or a curse of the gods, or what…  But everyone seemed to have canceled plans.  One of my friends got stood up for a coffee date.  A couple other friends had a canceled premarital counselling session.  Another friend had to mysteriously leave town.  And as for me… I had a gig, but the coffee shop I was going to play at was closed because the power went out, so the show was canceled (I’m so sorry if anyone showed up all for nothing).

This was disappointing.  I love performing and I had been practising all week for this show.  I was hoping to make new fans and maybe even sell some CDs.  But alas, no such luck.

There are a lot of disappointments in the early stages of a music career (or probably any career, for that matter).  In my experience, I’ve been disappointed by canceled shows, by not getting replies from venues, by slow CD sales, by rejection, by playing wrong notes, by forgetting lyrics, by seeing others with more success, and by much more.  And this is only the third month since my CD release.  I wonder how many disappointments I’ll have had five years from now.

Disappointment is the feeling that comes when expectations aren’t met.  Some people might be tempted to lower their expectations in order to avoid disappointments, but I think that’s a mistake.  High expectations drive you to work hard.  If you have a dream, you need to set goals and take the proper steps to acheive them.  But you need to realize that there will be many disappointments along the way.  What separates the wannabes from the real deal is how one handles disappointment.  I’m hoping that I won’t be just another wannabe, so I try to learn from my disappointments (figure out if and when I’m doing something wrong, and try to adapt) and then just let the disappointment fall away.  In other words, I get knocked down but I get up again you’re never gonna keep me down (everyone loves a nineties pop/rock reference).  So may we all strive to do our best - or even better than our best - and when things don’t go as planned, may we keep on going without looking back.

One of the main reasons I look forward to holidays is that I usually get to spend time with my family.  This Easter Sunday I went to Nanaimo where my parents live.  There are many reasons why it is good to go home - I get fed well (and don’t have to cook), I get to relax because I’m away from my computer (which can easily consume a whole day with work, social networking, music, and YouTube), but the main reason why it is so good to go home is that I am reminded that I am part of a loving family.  I have been trying to understand love my whole life (and I will probably continue to learn what love is until the day I die… and even after that), but I see a lot of love in my family.  This is what I witnessed during this visit:

Love is…

…going to a family friend’s house for a hotdog and marshmallow Easter dinner

…helping my mom clean up molasses that exploded in the microwave

…watching TV together, even if we don’t all like the same shows

…my mom and sister helping me sort through boxes of their old stuff (such as pots and pans, cutlery, and other kitchen stuff) so that I don’t have to buy new things.  I’m a poor artist, so I need to save my money.

…my parents giving me Easter chocolate, even though I’m twenty two years old and live on my own.

…accompanying my mom on her errands (dropping off recycling, getting film developed, and buying a bridal shower present for someone I don’t know.  It’s not my idea of fun, but it was time spent with my mom)

…going for an evening walk together while holding a formal debate about pointless matters (such as the definition and purpose of the term “sub-division”) 

…everyone having a say in the colour scheme of the new house renovations.

This is what love looks like at the Hawker house.  Love is found in the simple everday activities.  It is about being a part of each other’s lives.  Love has to do with existence and presence.  That is what I learned this weekend.  What did you learn?

I was on transit the other day and I smelled something familiar.  It took me a minute to figure it out, but it was the smell of my ex-girlfriend.  I looked around, but she was no where in sight.  Somebody else was wearing the same perfume, or using the same hair product, or whatever other smelly thing  that girls put on.  Whatever it was, it reminded me of her and it instantly brought back a flood of memories.  I could almost remember what she was wearing on a specific day three years ago, just by the power of the smell.  There is a strong connection between smell and memory.

I allude to this in my song “Tired Eyes“.  There’s something about the smell of rain after a sunny stretch that makes me feel all nostalgic.

I can’t explain why smell brings back memories.  I have no idea.  But I do think it is an amazing part of being human.

This all made me think of this other time when the weirdest thing happened to me… I could smell over the phone!!  I know this sounds crazy or it sounds like I’m straight out lying, but I kid you not.  When I was in ninth grade I could smell over the phone for one day and it never happened again.  If you don’t believe me, talk to my friend Brendan Smoker, he was on the other end of the line, presenting different items for me to smell.

Some tell me, “You have to not care and just have a good time.”

Others tell me, “You have to work hard, get yourself out there.  Constantly promoting, constantly marketing.  Never stop.  You won’t get anywhere by sitting on your ass.”

Is it just me, or do these two recommendations sound contradictory?

On one hand, I need to not care… on the other hand, I need to care a lot.  This paradox drives me crazy.  When I’ve tried not caring about my music, I didn’t work very hard or do any sort of promotion.  I essentially sat around in my boxers all day, playing guitar.  But when I’ve tried working hard on my music career, I found myself worrying a lot about success.  I became self conscious and fearful of not selling enough CDs, or making enough new fans, or getting enough new opportunities.  I need to care, but not care… nonsense!

I wonder if this is a semantics thing (or perhaps it’s a problem with the way I think and the way I understand these recommendations of caring, but not caring).  Maybe I shouldn’t use the word “care” for either situation…  I think it might be too vague.

Maybe a good way of rephrasing these ideas would be that I need to put effort into my music career, but I need to not worry about how much success I have.  In other words, I need to enjoy all aspects of what it is to be a singer-songwriter.  If I don’t want to play shows, or record, or promote my music, or talk to fans, I shouldn’t be a singer-songwriter.

But what I’m coming to realize is that I really do enjoy being a part of the music industry.  In a fairly small way, I’m already living the dream that I’ve had since I was twelve years old - being a musician.  But I need to avoid getting bogged down by the slow speed of success (I can’t even say I’ve had many failures yet… it’s just taking a while to get my music out to the public, which is to be expected).  I love working on my music career.  It is, however, difficult to live in the tension of caring, but not caring.  All I can do is keep at it, and learn to become more comfortable in the tension.

I woke up this morning with a sense of awe in regards to peripheral vision.  I have these weird moments every once in a while.  Sometimes I’m amazed with all of the joints in my hands that make it possible to do so many different things with them.  I am continually impressed the the design of the human body.

So with peripheral vision, how is it possible that I can see almost 180 degrees when I look forward?  It’s like I have eyes on the sides of my head.  I guess it has something to do with the curvature of our eyes (although I would think the convex aspect of our eyes would give everything that “fish eye” lens effect).  I don’t really know how it works, but I think it’s incredible!

The thing about peripheral vision, though, is that I rarely pay any attention to it.  Maybe something will catch the corner of my eye, but then I’ll turn my head and look at it with my full gaze.  But that is not an often occurrence.

There are a lot of things in life, and perhaps even a lot of people, that are in the peripherals.  Things that nobody pays attention to.  People that no one even notices.  In Vancouver, for instance, there is a whole community of people living on the street in the downtown east side.  Many people just walk on by when they see a homeless person begging for money.  They pretend like they don’t even see them.  They keep the homeless in the peripheral, where it is safe.  I am very guilty of this myself.  Part of the problem is that I don’t know what to do to truly help them out (because obviously, for many of them, money will just go to drugs or booze).  But I think the bigger issue is that I have kept my life so busy so that I can use the excuse: “I can’t help because I don’t have the time.”  Who does have the time?  And homeless people are only one group in the peripheral.  What about people with special needs, or the elderly, or pregnant teens, or refugees, or prisoners?  What about sickness, or disease, or under-funded public transit?

There is a lot in the peripheral and we need artists to turn our heads.  We need paintings, songs, dances, films, and writings to catch our eye so that we may look with our full gaze.  We need people who are willing to miss an episode of their favorite show in order to have the time to help someone in need.  We need to look around and see what’s going on.

“It takes too long to learn, so I won’t bother trying.”  That’s something I subconsciously say to myself all the time.  Have you ever dreamed of doing something (maybe being able to play an instrument, or fix a car, or design a website, or break dance) and then give up before you even start?  I’ve done that many times.  Some things just seem to be too big to accomplish.  I might try for a little while, but when success comes more slowly than desired, I just give up.  For example, I wanted to learn Spanish last year.  I worked my way through the first level of Rosetta Stone, but then realized I could still barely speak Spanish.  It was a lot of work just to get through that first level, so I was too frustrated to keep going.  I think part of the problem was that my motivation (a desire to go back to Costa Rica, where I had been for three weeks) seemed too distant.  And the main problem was that I wasn’t patient enough.  I often think in present tense.  I don’t do a lot of planning (future) and I tend to save reminiscing (past) for rainy days.  However, I need to start thinking more long term.  It’s good to live in the here-and-now, but I need to think about what I’m doing with this time.

Because I’ve devoted a lot of time, money, and energy to my music, I’ve realized that I need to make sure I am good at what I do.  That means I need to practice.  I’ve never been the type of person that hates practicing, but I’ve also never been on the other end of the spectrum with those freaks who play until their fingers bleed.  I’m somewhere in the middle.  I enjoy casually picking up my guitar and belting out a song or two.  But that’s not good enough for a professional musician.  I need to get closer to the practice freaks.  I’ve decided recently to work on some finger-style guitar.  I started with the song “Rylynn” by Andy McKee.  It is incredibly challenging.  I’ve been working on it for about a week and a half and I still don’t have it all down.  To add to the frustration, there’s a Korean kid (literally a young child) on YouTube who can play the song flawlessly.  Here I am stumbling over every second note while this kid, half my age, is kicking my ass.  It’s embarrassing.  It almost makes me want to give up.  I feel like it will take me forever to be as good as this child, so why even bother trying.  But it has occurred to me that if I don’t give up, I will eventually get there.  It’s like a marathon.  The finish line is nowhere in sight and I am super tired and wanting to stop, but the laws of physics say that if I keep moving I will get there.  What is it you want to do?  Are you trying?  Throw away all your excused and just do it.  Stop watching tv, get off the couch, turn off the computer, and start doing whatever it is you dream of doing.