I was on transit the other day and I smelled something familiar.  It took me a minute to figure it out, but it was the smell of my ex-girlfriend.  I looked around, but she was no where in sight.  Somebody else was wearing the same perfume, or using the same hair product, or whatever other smelly thing  that girls put on.  Whatever it was, it reminded me of her and it instantly brought back a flood of memories.  I could almost remember what she was wearing on a specific day three years ago, just by the power of the smell.  There is a strong connection between smell and memory.

I allude to this in my song “Tired Eyes“.  There’s something about the smell of rain after a sunny stretch that makes me feel all nostalgic.

I can’t explain why smell brings back memories.  I have no idea.  But I do think it is an amazing part of being human.

This all made me think of this other time when the weirdest thing happened to me… I could smell over the phone!!  I know this sounds crazy or it sounds like I’m straight out lying, but I kid you not.  When I was in ninth grade I could smell over the phone for one day and it never happened again.  If you don’t believe me, talk to my friend Brendan Smoker, he was on the other end of the line, presenting different items for me to smell.

Some tell me, “You have to not care and just have a good time.”

Others tell me, “You have to work hard, get yourself out there.  Constantly promoting, constantly marketing.  Never stop.  You won’t get anywhere by sitting on your ass.”

Is it just me, or do these two recommendations sound contradictory?

On one hand, I need to not care… on the other hand, I need to care a lot.  This paradox drives me crazy.  When I’ve tried not caring about my music, I didn’t work very hard or do any sort of promotion.  I essentially sat around in my boxers all day, playing guitar.  But when I’ve tried working hard on my music career, I found myself worrying a lot about success.  I became self conscious and fearful of not selling enough CDs, or making enough new fans, or getting enough new opportunities.  I need to care, but not care… nonsense!

I wonder if this is a semantics thing (or perhaps it’s a problem with the way I think and the way I understand these recommendations of caring, but not caring).  Maybe I shouldn’t use the word “care” for either situation…  I think it might be too vague.

Maybe a good way of rephrasing these ideas would be that I need to put effort into my music career, but I need to not worry about how much success I have.  In other words, I need to enjoy all aspects of what it is to be a singer-songwriter.  If I don’t want to play shows, or record, or promote my music, or talk to fans, I shouldn’t be a singer-songwriter.

But what I’m coming to realize is that I really do enjoy being a part of the music industry.  In a fairly small way, I’m already living the dream that I’ve had since I was twelve years old - being a musician.  But I need to avoid getting bogged down by the slow speed of success (I can’t even say I’ve had many failures yet… it’s just taking a while to get my music out to the public, which is to be expected).  I love working on my music career.  It is, however, difficult to live in the tension of caring, but not caring.  All I can do is keep at it, and learn to become more comfortable in the tension.

I woke up this morning with a sense of awe in regards to peripheral vision.  I have these weird moments every once in a while.  Sometimes I’m amazed with all of the joints in my hands that make it possible to do so many different things with them.  I am continually impressed the the design of the human body.

So with peripheral vision, how is it possible that I can see almost 180 degrees when I look forward?  It’s like I have eyes on the sides of my head.  I guess it has something to do with the curvature of our eyes (although I would think the convex aspect of our eyes would give everything that “fish eye” lens effect).  I don’t really know how it works, but I think it’s incredible!

The thing about peripheral vision, though, is that I rarely pay any attention to it.  Maybe something will catch the corner of my eye, but then I’ll turn my head and look at it with my full gaze.  But that is not an often occurrence.

There are a lot of things in life, and perhaps even a lot of people, that are in the peripherals.  Things that nobody pays attention to.  People that no one even notices.  In Vancouver, for instance, there is a whole community of people living on the street in the downtown east side.  Many people just walk on by when they see a homeless person begging for money.  They pretend like they don’t even see them.  They keep the homeless in the peripheral, where it is safe.  I am very guilty of this myself.  Part of the problem is that I don’t know what to do to truly help them out (because obviously, for many of them, money will just go to drugs or booze).  But I think the bigger issue is that I have kept my life so busy so that I can use the excuse: “I can’t help because I don’t have the time.”  Who does have the time?  And homeless people are only one group in the peripheral.  What about people with special needs, or the elderly, or pregnant teens, or refugees, or prisoners?  What about sickness, or disease, or under-funded public transit?

There is a lot in the peripheral and we need artists to turn our heads.  We need paintings, songs, dances, films, and writings to catch our eye so that we may look with our full gaze.  We need people who are willing to miss an episode of their favorite show in order to have the time to help someone in need.  We need to look around and see what’s going on.

Here’s a video of me playing “Tired Eyes” at the Railway Club in Vancouver.  This was the night that I refer to in my blog post called “Free Beer and Stolen Wood”

“It takes too long to learn, so I won’t bother trying.”  That’s something I subconsciously say to myself all the time.  Have you ever dreamed of doing something (maybe being able to play an instrument, or fix a car, or design a website, or break dance) and then give up before you even start?  I’ve done that many times.  Some things just seem to be too big to accomplish.  I might try for a little while, but when success comes more slowly than desired, I just give up.  For example, I wanted to learn Spanish last year.  I worked my way through the first level of Rosetta Stone, but then realized I could still barely speak Spanish.  It was a lot of work just to get through that first level, so I was too frustrated to keep going.  I think part of the problem was that my motivation (a desire to go back to Costa Rica, where I had been for three weeks) seemed too distant.  And the main problem was that I wasn’t patient enough.  I often think in present tense.  I don’t do a lot of planning (future) and I tend to save reminiscing (past) for rainy days.  However, I need to start thinking more long term.  It’s good to live in the here-and-now, but I need to think about what I’m doing with this time.

Because I’ve devoted a lot of time, money, and energy to my music, I’ve realized that I need to make sure I am good at what I do.  That means I need to practice.  I’ve never been the type of person that hates practicing, but I’ve also never been on the other end of the spectrum with those freaks who play until their fingers bleed.  I’m somewhere in the middle.  I enjoy casually picking up my guitar and belting out a song or two.  But that’s not good enough for a professional musician.  I need to get closer to the practice freaks.  I’ve decided recently to work on some finger-style guitar.  I started with the song “Rylynn” by Andy McKee.  It is incredibly challenging.  I’ve been working on it for about a week and a half and I still don’t have it all down.  To add to the frustration, there’s a Korean kid (literally a young child) on YouTube who can play the song flawlessly.  Here I am stumbling over every second note while this kid, half my age, is kicking my ass.  It’s embarrassing.  It almost makes me want to give up.  I feel like it will take me forever to be as good as this child, so why even bother trying.  But it has occurred to me that if I don’t give up, I will eventually get there.  It’s like a marathon.  The finish line is nowhere in sight and I am super tired and wanting to stop, but the laws of physics say that if I keep moving I will get there.  What is it you want to do?  Are you trying?  Throw away all your excused and just do it.  Stop watching tv, get off the couch, turn off the computer, and start doing whatever it is you dream of doing.